Welcome to my life.  Seems to be one thing after another.  You know how it goes for some people.  Some just have what I call "health" luck.  I'm not one of those people.  It would be one thing if it was something we knew how to deal with.  But per this "nurse's" luck, 4 months in, many different consults, we still have no answers.  Started this year, right before we left for our California vacation.  Things were going well and I had a "viral" illness, fever, just feeling awful for a few days.  Started feeling better.  Went to Cali and besides some really bad knee joint pain I was perfectly fine and enjoying vacation.  We came back a week later and my life as not been the same.

Joint aches, muscle aches, flu like symptoms.  Lyme negative x 3.  Treated me anyway.  Positive ASO (could this be a post viral syndrome from strep?)- anxiety.  Depression.  We have been on antibiotics, prednisone and checked for vitamin deficiencies. 

I am a mom of 4.  I am a nurse.  My life as I know it right now is different.  It is hard.  I am always fatigued.  I want my energy back.  This is my favorite time of year, and I am just trying so hard to enjoy it.

So I know for the last few months I have been complaining to my friends.  My parents.  My sister.  My husband.  Of course, they are all sick of listening to my broken record at this point.  So I pretend.  Pretending sucks.  The worst part for me is the not knowing.  Is this Lyme?  Is this MS?  I just think everyday, "what symptom will come next".  Will I suddenly have seizures?  Will I suddenly not be able to walk or move my arms?  These are all my negative thoughts that come through this mind of mine.  I push forward.  I try to do the best I can.  But I also am in fear every day.  Definitely not good for the mind or the soul.

So I am watching my diet (cleaning it up) and working on my weight loss (no gym just gentle walking).  I am trying to meditate and deep breathe every day.  I am trying to stay away from my phone so I don't text family members and friends about my daily issues.  Today I realized I am a burden on my mom- she doesn't say that, but she is angry with me because I didn't call her doctor yesterday-  how am I supposed to know dogs were barking and she couldn't hear to make a phone call.  I'm not a psychic.  And I need to care for me right now.  Sounds a bit selfish especially since I want her to be there for me right?  But I don't ask her to make my appointments.  I don't ask her to call my doctors.  I just ask her to listen to me and help me through my crisis at the moment when I am scared. 

This week I see my primary doctor again on Monday.  She will have no clue again per usual and just send me off to rheumatology again.  Tuesday I see Dr. Mark Mincolla and next week I see my neurologist and have a brain scan and neck scan.  This makes me nervous because I don't know what will be found.  But if nothing is there, I am probably going to have to live with some type of muscle/joint disorder that no one knows anything about.

I'm trying to keep this journal so that I don't complain to family and friends.  Trying to see if this will help any with cleansing my negative thoughts.  I'll be back.  :)